Terms and Conditions

This article is about the terms of use for home-dash. For the animal, see Worm. For the Windows 95 screensaver, see Screensaver.

Last revised: whenever the worms said so. Effective: retroactively.

1. Definitions

“Service”
home-dash, the website you are looking at, and any LED board it may or may not be attached to.
“Worm”
Any member of the phylum Annelida, plus anything that looks like one if you squint. Includes, without limitation, the common earthworm, the bobbit worm, and gummy worms.[2]
“You”
The person reading this. Yes, you. The worms can see you.
“Segment”
One of the repeating body units of a worm, or one clause of this agreement. The two are legally equivalent.[4]

2. Acceptance of Terms

By loading this page, scrolling past this paragraph, or thinking about a worm at any point during the next 30 days, you agree to be bound by these Terms. Worms have no skeleton and are therefore not bound by anything.[1]

If you do not agree, you must close the browser tab and apologise, in writing, to a worm. Postal addresses for worms are available on request.[citation needed]

3. The Worms

An earthworm has five hearts, which is four more than the Service and approximately five more than its developer.[1] Each heart is assigned to a different weekday; the worm takes weekends off.[3]

Worms breathe through their skin, which is why they are not permitted to wear the Windows XP Luna theme. Worms are also fully hermaphroditic and so are exempt from the “sign in” button, which they find presumptuous.[2]

There are an estimated 1.4 million worms per acre of decent lawn.[3] When laid end to end they would reach the moon, but they have repeatedly declined to do so.[citation needed]

Charles Darwin spent 39 years studying worms and concluded they were fine.[1] He played the bassoon at them to test their hearing. They did not react, which the Service considers a reasonable response to bassoon.

4. Your Obligations

  1. You shall not step on a worm after rain. They are commuting.
  2. You shall not refer to a caecilian as a worm. It is an amphibian and it is very tired of this.
  3. You shall not attempt to cut a worm in half to “make two worms.” This does not work and the worm will remember.[5]
  4. You acknowledge that the computer worm is not a real worm and that the real worms consider the name defamatory.

5. The Board

Messages sent to the LED board are displayed in a colour of your choosing and read aloud to the worms under the house. Messages are capped at 60 seconds because that is the attention span of a worm.[4] Messages the worms dislike are silently replaced with the word “soil.”

6. Limitation of Liability

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED “AS IS,” MUCH LIKE A WORM, WHICH IS ALSO PROVIDED AS IS. TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY SOIL, THE SERVICE SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OF DATA, LOSS OF WORMS, OR GAIN OF WORMS.

In no event shall aggregate liability exceed the market value of one (1) medium worm, currently £0.00.[3]

7. Termination and Segmentation

Either party may terminate this agreement at any time. If any clause is found to be unenforceable, it shall be severed, and the remaining clauses shall regenerate a new head within two to three weeks.[5]

8. Governing Law

These Terms are governed by the laws of the topsoil and any disputes shall be settled in the wormhole of competent jurisdiction. The parties consent to the process being slow, damp, and dark.

9. References

  1. ^ Darwin, C. (1881). The Formation of Vegetable Mould through the Action of Worms.
  2. ^ Personal communication with a worm, 2004. The worm declined to be named.
  3. ^ Figure derived from an unlabelled graph found in the garage.
  4. ^ Vibes.
  5. ^ The Worm Council did not respond to a request for comment.

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This page was last edited by a worm. Text is available under the Creative Compost Licence.